10.7 Communication with Families: What, When, and How to Communicate with Families about Behavior
Ardene Niemer, M.Ed.
At this point in the chapter, we have a shared definition of behavior, taken a deeper look at behavior and motivation, and established an understanding that all behavior is a form of communication. We also have reviewed how relationships (especially positive relationships) relate to behavior and are needed to support positively guiding the behavior of children. This foundation was built to support a mutual understanding of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) and trauma (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2021). This critical information is necessary to understand the whole child and not simply react to the behavior(s) that are seen.
In this section, we examine how to have conversations with families about behaviors (challenging and/or unwanted). This communication requires an ability for you to be objective, positive, and culturally aware in the information you share and the method by which you communicate.
Successful work in the field of early learning depends on your ability to build positive, trusting, and respectful relationships with families. No child comes to us alone or isolated, they come to us within the context of a family. Building and maintaining trusting relationships with those families allows educators to engage in more opportunities for open communication and dialogue about children.
Having a conversation about a child’s challenging behavior can be stressful for them and for ourselves. Did you know that you can reduce your stress and gain more positive results when you “invest” in relationships with families? It requires being objective and sticking to facts, while at the same time maintaining a focus on solutions. It is important that we understand that in child development, there are cultural differences relating to beliefs about developmental milestones (Maryville University, 2021). When communicating with families be conscious of your own beliefs related to culture and your personal biases as you make choices about what and how to communicate with families.
It might feel intimidating to have conversations with families about a child’s behavior (Griffin, n.d.). A key strategy in having difficult conversations is to begin with the positive. Start with strengths, including describing what the child can do, and what he/she does well. Include positives about behavior and times when you have noticed positive behaviors or interactions. Remember to always avoid the impulse to blame the family for the child’s challenging behavior. This is an important interaction to have with the family and cannot be avoided out of our fear of potential (real or imagined) conflict. When we look at these extremes of blame and avoidance, realize that neither approach is helpful for the child, and both only add to your own stress. This added stress could even possibly increase the intensity of the behavioral situation of concern.
Did you know that our biases can significantly impact how we respond to children’s behavior in the classroom (Derman-Sparks & Edwards, 2019)? It’s crucial to understand that what we expect from children’s behavior in their early education may differ from what they learn at home. How we react to their behavior is what counts. To eliminate these biases and guide children’s behavior effectively, educators need to communicate expectations clearly and consistently within the classroom. Remember to make a conscious effort to recognize and overcome biases to create a positive and nurturing learning environment for all children.
When the time comes to talk with a child’s family about challenging behavior, Webster-Stratton (2012) shares some strategies to help create a productive interaction. Remember above where “invest” in relationships was mentioned? Webster-Stratton talks about this process of relationship building as a metaphor for a piggy bank. Webster-Stratton believes that we need to make deposits regularly to this piggy bank to have the ability to make withdrawals that support our difficult conversations.
Try these three strategies in your relationship work with families:
- Make sure you have plenty of investments in the “relationship bank” with the family,
- Stick to data from your observations
- Offer possible solutions and support.
Stratton (2012) also discusses how to fill your relationship bank. Each of us (both children and adults) has an emotional piggy bank. It is built with positive relationships. Just like your real-life piggy bank, you must have money in the bank to successfully make withdrawals without a negative outcome. Also take a moment to go back and review the other suggestions for positive reinforcement offered in this chapter.
Research (Webster-Stratton, 2012) has found that children need five positives. For example:
- Great walking feet!
- High-5!
- You are working SO hard!
- You did it!
- I see that you know how to put that puzzle together!
To move forward in your positive relationship, those five positives are needed for “balance” in your piggy bank. Essentially, they will outweigh one negative and help to move forward in your positive relationship. Here are some negatives:
- No!
- Stop!
- Please do not do that!
Now, add your own positives to the list!
Reflection
Take a break and think about that for a minute to let this ratio sink in; you need to say to a child five positives for every negative:
- five positives
- provide balance for one negative
- resulting in a more positive relationship and allowing the child opportunities for success
Stop and practice this formula related to a specific behavior you have observed or can imagine. Write your thoughts in the following table. Duplicate the table for more practice.
| 5 Positives | Balance 1 negative |
|---|---|
| 1. | |
| 2. | |
| 3. | |
| 4. | |
| 5. |
Let’s do some math! Think about that child whose name you say multiple times a day (Danny, don’t do that! Danny, keep your hands to yourself! Danny, Mae is using that now. Danny! Clean up, Danny….) Imagine you say that child’s name 30 times a week. Now, multiply that 30 x 5. Did you calculate that answer to be 150 positives? The child will need over 150 positive comments just to break even emotionally! This deposit strategy is not only for the child, but also the same for families. That very first time you approach a family to discuss a child’s challenging or “unwanted” behavior you are withdrawing a significant amount from the emotional piggy bank.
Refer to the numbered list above with these Webster-Stratton strategies: investing in the relationship bank with family, sticking with data from observations, and offering possible solutions and support.
Do you have enough positive interactions and a strong relationship already in place to avoid a negative balance? With sufficient balance in the piggy bank, you are ready to have challenging conversations and, as Webster-Stratton (2012) found, families will still have emotional money in the bank to work with you on developing possible solutions.
Next, stick to the facts. This is called being objective. Put aside the emotional aspect of challenging behavior when communicating with the family. Taking this emotion-free, positive approach you could share with a family, “Today Michael had a very difficult time with sharing.” This is a much more useful statement that opens the possibility for a conversation about problem-solving. The opposite can be said for using statements such as, “Michael was hitting all day.” This statement is not helpful and it is also most likely not accurate. The positive approach will lead to the strategy to support Michael learning a new skill, which he is. This also provides scaffolding to ask about behavior in the home, “Tell me about how Michael shares at home with his siblings. What methods have you tried that I might try here at school?”
Remember that emotional piggy bank that was shared earlier? Our goal here is to build a positive relationship and partnership with the family. We want to work together to make positive connections between home and school. Approaching challenging behavior in a fact-based manner will help to remove emotion and blame from the conversation and will be much more likely to open doors rather than create walls (Webster-Stratton, 2012).
The third and last strategy shared by Webster-Stratton (2012) is about problem solving. For every conversation, we as the ECE professionals need to be ready to share some solutions. At the same time, it is of benefit to the partnership to engage in give and take by asking for and offering ongoing partnership with the family. Always get ideas and input from the family. You will have an opportunity to share other strategies with the family after they communicate what they are currently doing at home to support their child. This partner-based communication will work to build a bridge between home and school that will support the child’s learning. You will also need to talk about going forward, and how you will continue to communicate about the child’s skill building. This should include any information you will be collecting from your ongoing classroom observations. Remember the importance of sharing successes in all written and verbal conversations with the family to keep adding to the family’s and child’s emotional piggy bank.
Here are some guiding thoughts for conversations with the family:
- Begin with strengths: “Let’s talk about what Sarah is doing really well!” This will begin your conversation with the positive and will focus on what the child can do so that you can build (scaffold) from there.
- Share concerns using facts: “I am concerned about Sarah and how she’s doing with her frustration. Are you seeing similar challenges at home?” Remember that you are working to build that positive relationship with the family, and you should always bring up concerns with collaboration in mind.
- Together, define a clear and measurable goal. “I really want to work with you to help Sarah develop her social skills to support positive behavior.”
- Create a plan together. “What do you think we should include in the plan for Sarah, so that each of us has strategies to follow that develop new skills for success?” Always focus on skill development, not on behavior.
- Finally, discuss next steps for moving forward. “The more we all work together, the more successful Sarah will be.” Remember that consistency between home and school will support the child to be more successful, and faster.
Attributions
- Figure 10.10: image released under the Pexels License
- Figure 10.11: Money Box by 401(K) 2012 is released under CC BY-SA 2.0
- Figure 10.12: Author-created Image of the 5 Steps to Creating a Cooperative Plan by Ardene Niemer, for WA Open ProfTech, © SBCTC, CC BY 4.0
- Figure 10.13: image released under the Unsplash License
A core skill in a child’s development based on the ability to understand and to be understood,
Inappropriate behavior that children use and rely on to get their needs met.
The specific steps to a goal, stated in measurable, objective terms.