Ocean Emotions

Personal Statement

Creative writing classes have nurtured my love for writing everything from poetry to short stories since middle school. The piece I am submitting is a short story that is dialogue heavy and meant to convey a personal experience of mine. Though the overall theme is abuse, the type and who the abuser is, is kept as ambiguous as possible. I hope that readers who understand these types of situations can be inspired by the most important part of my story, the possibility of freedom. It is possible, with help. I want others like me to know: it gets better.

Ocean Emotions

My home is very vast. And it is dark… so dark. Dark enough that it is easy to get lonely. One would do anything to not feel lonely when alone, I think. That is why I search for the light, the light that seems to flicker every now and then. And when I find it, I have only myself to blame for the events that follow.

“You are much lonelier than I would have imagined, fish” Anglerfish commented.

I respond, slightly annoyed, “Well I found you alone, didn’t I?”

“Mmh, but I am not lonely.”

“I shall go if this is how you are to speak to me.”

“Oh, fish don’t swim away – I can be kind.”

No… It lies…

“Ok, Anglerfish, prove it.” I stay and talk. It is willing to stay and talk to me, its light making the darkness run.

“Your light is bright… it feels nice,” I say after a while, “but your teeth scare me.”

“I shall not hurt you – yet.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“I must go, I have stayed with you too long.”

“And what are you going back to? I am the only one willing to tolerate your presence.” Anglerfish swims closer.

Swim away!…

“That’s not true,” I responded, making a quick escape. For its teeth kept getting closer to me.

“You will be back” is the response that seems to echo in my head.

It is right… why is it always right?

__________

“How have you been, I see you lasted a bit longer than last time,” said Anglerfish the next time I see it. It sounds like praise.

“In truth, I have no idea how much time passed, it has been so dark down here.”

“Hmm that is why you came back?”

“Yes.”

“Pitiful, but I shall love you nonetheless and provide my light to you… here… come closer and be grateful.”

LOVED

“Thank you.”

“Whatever,” Anglerfish said coldly.

It changed its mood so quickly… weird

“Anglerfish, would you ever try to eat me… I mean, I am a small fish.”

“Of course not! I like this game much more than a quick meal.”

“Thank you.”

“Good fish, come closer,” Anglerfish praises once more.

I like it when Anglerfish is happy with me, it makes me happy. I have this some of the time…

PAIN

“You said you would never hurt me!”

“I lied.”

FEAR

It torments you… It lies… swim away… swim up!

“Where are you going?”

“I am swimming up, away from you… maybe I can reach light that is pure and has good intentions.”

“You will never make it,” said Anglerfish seeming so far away, “My light is the only light you deserve you lonely, ungrateful fish!”

HOPE

__________

Dammit…

Anglerfish tauntingly sung, “You are ba- ack!”

“I didn’t make it, I got lonely again.”

“Apologize.”

“I’m sorry.”

“There there, I will treat you better this time, have you stay longer.”

“Thank you.”

“You seem to be healed, perhaps you are not as small as I thought… or as weak,” said Anglerfish, “what a shame”

“Please, can I have your light… the warmth is what I know by heart.”

“Fine but I want something in return.”

“Anything.”

No! do not make any promises! Swim up… please…

I am surprised with its response to me, “Is that all?”

“That is all my small fish.”

“Ok,” this couldn’t hurt much more than it did last time, right?… it will be smaller.

PAIN

“You are a very good little fishy,” Anglerfish stated, satiated and satisfied.

LOVED

Try again! I beg of you! Swim up!

My next words are strained. “It hurts.”

“Do not complain! useless creature, or I will make you give me more.” Anglerfish replied annoyed.

FEAR

“Please, I have nothing more to give! I just wanted your light… it seemed so nice.”

Anglerfish’s teeth grew wider, and it swam closer with only a smug, “Well yes, that is the purpose of it after all.”

“I will not stay for this… I… I think that I deserve better!”

“Aww, do you really believe that? I am the only one who will ever want you!” Anglerfish replied, anger clearly growing.

I tried to swim up for what felt like the millionth time, I did not make it far when I met someone else down here in the depths of the sea, again?… maybe. It swam closer to me and introduced itself as a friend, but I grew to want the light again. I swam back to Anglerfish when those feelings overwhelmed me. But not before the one who called itself my friend spoke to me. They sounded oddly like the voice in my head, telling me to swim away from Anglerfish. I would see this friend for a while, but would always go back to Anglerfish, no matter how hard they tried to convince me… help me? I feel like I am losing my mind and time down here. Those feelings go away when I am with my friend and especially around Anglerfish.

But who is better for you? Me or It?

__________

“I will stand for this no longer,” I told Anglerfish the next time I swam back to It, “either treat me better this time or lose me for all time.”

“You look different… sound different, who have you been talking to other than me?” Anglerfish demanded.

“Someone who is my friend,” I reply, “but really that is none of your business.” My confidence begins to shake.

“Ha! I hate to repeat myself, but you are not worthy of a friend, I am all you have, and all you deserve remember?”

“I am here… keep going… set yourself free.”

“I will repeat myself then, I deserve better, and I won’t get it with you because you refuse to change your ways.”

“Don’t go, I will- can, change.”

“I won’t fall for your lies again… maybe you can change, but I will not be here to see it and for that I am glad.”

I swam away, up.

“Thank you for accompanying me, my friend.”

“I knew you could do it… I knew you would listen to me eventually” was my friend’s response.

I made it to the light, with their help.  The light is brighter because it comes without strings… I like it already!

HOPE

LONELINESS

“It is worth it… for you are not hurting anymore,” my friend told me. “I will always be here with you.”

ALONE?  Not so much

__________

It took time, but I eventually stopped hearing the echoes of the Anglerfish’s sugar-coated words. Its lies no longer followed me, tempting me back into the dark waters below. Every now and then the thought crosses my mind of how Anglerfish is doing. As quickly as the thought appears it disappears as well. I think it is because I no longer care for Anglerfish. But I am not a bad person for this, I wish Anglerfish all the best- really, I do, I hope It gets everything It wants. I hope I am never there to see this though. My friend has kept with me through my journey. Memories come back to me, the time I lost in my cycle of being with Anglerfish. My friend tells me it is good to remember where you have been hurt so you don’t get into another cycle again. With their help, I have learned that I could live up here in the light too. Funny, out of all the memories that have come back to me, I never once heard Anglerfish mention this fact to me during our talks.

PEACE