“Life is not a search for self. Life is the creation of self” (Shaw, 1921). These words emphasize the undeniable fact that man shapes his own personality, character and destiny. It is an active and creative process in which man creates his personality and his life through constant development, learning and self-improvement. Undoubtedly, the environment greatly influences a person’s destiny. For example, when he lives and develops under a totalitarian regime, the process of creating oneself takes place under strict limitations. The personality can seek and find ways for self-realization, inner growth and resistance, despite external pressure and control. In the Soviet Union, dissidents are deservedly considered such people: Andrei Sakharov (1921-1989), Alexander Solzhenitsyn (1918-2008), and Anna Politkovskaya (1958-2006). These and many other dissidents played a key role in resisting dictatorship, risking their lives to defend human rights and democratic values. Their courage and dedication inspire the continued struggle for freedom and justice in different parts of the world. I am not a dissident or a fighter for freedom and justice, although I admire such people. All my life I have tried to “find” myself in the different social systems in which I have had to live: I was born in one country, raised and educated in a second, worked and built a career in a third, and fled from a fourth. The reader may think that these were four different countries, but all of these things happened to me in my homeland. In the United States, I have a fresh start, a clear, tangible goal, motivation, and tasks that I have already begun to accomplish.

I was born during Brezhnev’s “stagnation” and grew up in the USSR school system. My worldview was based on the idea that my homeland was a bastion of peace and justice. Teachers assured us that the Soviet Union would soon reach a bright future and that communism would win the world. However, they also told us that there were many enemies around us and that we should always be ready to fight back. I was a member of a pioneer organization, studied the statutes, went on marches, learned to throw training grenades, disassemble and assemble a Kalashnikov assault rifle. At that time, I dreamed of serving in the army and defending my homeland with a weapon in my hands. The propaganda of the USSR deeply embedded these beliefs in my consciousness. Communist society also emphasized teamwork and equality, which gave me a sense of belonging to a large and unified community. Education and upbringing in communist ideals helped me develop qualities such as hard work, responsibility, and dedication to common goals. However, the Soviet authorities purposefully tried to erase our roots, culture and ancestral beliefs, considering them “relics of the past” and “superstitions”. For example, as part of the policy of atheism and the fight against religion, shamanism was banned and intensively persecuted. In addition, chauvinism was strongly developed in the USSR, when Russians considered themselves the titular nation. Many Sakha writers catered to this and indoctrinated the younger generation with the idea that the Russians were our older brothers who brought us out of the dark kingdom into the kingdom of light, and that we owed them everything. This had a negative impact on my self-image as a Sakha, because I did not want to be a “secondary” people; I wanted to be Russian, look like a Russian and speak only Russian. I identified with Russian culture and considered it my own. Naturally, I did not share this with anyone, but I think many of my peers had similar feelings. These feelings are well described by Tatum B.D. (2000), quoting an essay by Audra Lorde (Lorde, 1995 p. 446.): “Somewhere at the edge of consciousness there exists what I call a mythical norm that each of us knows deep down: ‘That’s not me.'” In America, this norm is usually defined as white, thin, male, young, heterosexual, Christian, and financially secure.” This correlates almost perfectly with events in my biography. But, to my delight, the Soviet Union collapsed, never achieving the bright future of socialism. My adolescence fell on the turbulent 90’s, when the country after the collapse of the USSR was experiencing deep social and economic turmoil. This period was a test for many, and I was no exception. The transition from the stability of the communist era to the instability and uncertainty of the post-Soviet period had a significant impact on my worldview. During these years, I learned to value independence, entrepreneurship and the ability to adapt to rapidly changing conditions. Over time, I came to realize that I belonged to the Sakha people. My parents, against all odds, tried to instill in me respect for the culture, traditions and language of the Sakha people. In those difficult times, our family and society as a whole faced economic hardship, which taught me to appreciate every opportunity and strive for self-improvement. I realized that it is important to be flexible and adapt to new realities without losing one’s roots and cultural identity. At that time, information technologies began to develop in our country. Thanks to this, I found my purpose in life – I became a computer and software specialist. I enrolled in a technical college where I studied technical aspects of personal computers and became interested in 3D graphics and design. After college, I planned to go to art school to realize my new goal of becoming a 3D artist. However, due to a lack of financial resources and incomprehensible Russian laws, I was not accepted there. After several years of wandering, I found a job at the Mammoth Museum, where I got acquainted with scientists studying the mammoth fauna and even went on an expedition with them. This experience fascinated me a lot, and the next year I entered the Biology Department of the State University. I studied and did science at the same time, went on expeditions to the northern regions. I participated in the study of many unique finds of extinct animals with preserved soft tissues and whole carcasses. Then I defended my PhD thesis on mammoth fauna. However, a few years ago fate changed my plans again. War broke into our lives, and the war was started by my motherland, treacherously attacking the sovereign state of Ukraine. I could not put up with it neither mentally nor physically, and I fled my homeland with my family. That’s how I ended up in the USA, and here I plan to realize my first life goal – to become a 3D artist and designer and devote the rest of my life to this profession.

Conclusion

Human life is rather short, and during this time not everyone has time or can achieve a high position in society, important positions, scientific or sports achievements, or simple human happiness. As an example, I will bring my classmates with whom I started my life journey. We dreamed of many things, made plans, set goals, but almost all of them died: some of them from illness, some of them from drunkenness or accidents. When I lived in Russia, I considered myself lucky in life: I had a family, an interesting job and many friends. But after the war started, practically overnight everything disappeared. I was left without a homeland, without a job, without friends (apparently, I didn’t have any) and without means of livelihood. At first, I was depressed about it, as we wandered around different countries until we found a new home in the USA. I am grateful to fate for this gift – a second chance to start life with a clean slate. And, God knows, I will achieve my goals!

References

Lorde, A.  (1995) Age, Race, Class, and Sex: Women Redefining Difference, in P. S. Rothenberg, ed., Race, Class, and Gender in the United States: An Integrated Study, 3d ed. New York: St. Martin’s Press, p. 446.

Shaw, G. B. (1921) Back to Methuselah: A Metabiological Pentateuch. Publisher: Brentano’s, New York.

Tatum, B. D. (2000). The complexity of identity: “Who am I?” In Adams, M., Blumenfeld, W. J., Hackman, H. W., Zuniga, X., Peters, M. L. (Eds.), Readings for diversity and social justice: An anthology on racism, sexism, anti-Semitism, heterosexism, classism and ableism (pp. 9-14). New York: Routledge.