The Good Daughter

Does your social identity align with your personal identity? Are you who ‘they’ think you are? In today’s world there is a lot of people that have immigrated to America, our society is made up of a lot of different cultures, ethnicities, and religions. While still holding on to their cultural beliefs and values, those people have to try to adapt in a fragmented society to achieve the ‘American Dream’. Some may face challenges like financial instability, language barrier, and lack of support. These are the same challenges and experiences that have molded my parents; who have emigrated to the United States so they can pave the path for me to a better future. In this essay you will read about what was life like for me being a first-generation American woman living in a Vietnamese household that followed traditional values, how did I find the happy medium in where I stand in the world today, and what has trickled down our lineage because of my parents’ experiences and perceptions.

In the early 90s, with a pocket full of hopes and dreams my parents emigrated to United States from Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam. My mom worked under-the-table as a seamstress making only $3/ hour and my father worked bussing tables. Not being able to speak a lick of English, they struggled to find steady jobs that paid enough to raise a family. I was about a year old when my mom left my father and California behind her. She moved us to Washington to live with my grandma. Later, she met my step dad and gave me two little brothers. We grew up in a low-income neighborhood. We were living off of state help; we collected WIC checks, food stamps, and subsidized housing too. I never considered us poor or even noticed that we were poor then. My mom and my step father always provided us with anything we wanted or needed and more. My favorite memories were when my cousins lived in the same apartment complex as us. Every morning, we would pack into my grandma’s little Honda Civic, listening to Eminem on the way to school. After school my cousins and I would walk home together. We would spend the rest of our day running amok around the apartment complex catching lady bugs and playing tag until dinner time. In my mind, this is the probably richest point of my life. I had very little care and worries in the world, I had my family together and we were invincible. Things changed a bit after our parents had to move away from each other. Not of having my cousins around all the time, I had to figure out who I was as an individual and make my own friends. “The infantile and adolescent phases play a crucial role in the formation and consolidation of identity” (Mann, 2016, p. 212). Even though we were American, we weren’t quite Americanized. My parents were very strict. I was not allowed to go out with friends. There was always a lot of pressure to present myself in a certain way, the good obedient daughter. I wasn’t allowed to speak on how I felt because it was deemed disrespectful to my parents. On top of the isolation I had already felt, we were always moving because of financial instability. So even if I had made friends, I wasn’t able to keep them. In middle and high school was when everyone cared what you looked like, the material things you had, the crowds you were hanging around with. I didn’t fall into the categories of the “Smart Asians”, “Cool Asians”, or “Rich Asians”. I wasn’t considered smart, my parents were too busy working to pay the bills and couldn’t help me with homework. Even if they had the time, I’m sure they wouldn’t even understand the work. I wasn’t really cool because my family couldn’t afford the Jansport backpacks, Phat Farms with the fat colorful laces, K-Swiss sneakers, or Baby Phat jeans. So, I just kind of barely existed it seemed.

Being the first generation Vietnamese-American in my home, I had to learn English on my own with little help from my parents. My parents were also learning and trying to adapt to the Westernized culture. Not only did I have duties as the oldest child, I was also the only daughter. I was held at a higher standard than my brothers, as soon as I was old enough and learned some English. I was my family’s language broker. I was translating at grocery stores, parent-teacher conferences, doctor appointments, and filling out forms I had no understanding of. I remember always spending evenings helping my mom make dinner. Daughters in Vietnamese culture are expected to assist with household chores and to take care of their siblings. Though it was hard for me growing up this way, having been my brother’s third parent growing up raising my two kids has a bit of familiarity. “Integrating one’s past, present, and future into a task that begins in adolescence and continues for a lifetime” (Tatum, 1997, p. 35). I learned from my upbringing not to put any of my burdens on my children like my parents did to me. I understand without my parent’s journey here to America and giving me the opportunity to grow up in this Westernized culture, my kids wouldn’t have the freedoms they have today. They are both taught how to help around the house. My daughter is allowed to play sports. Anything that my son is allowed to do, my daughter is allowed to do. The experiences that I have had growing up still affects me today, sometimes I still find myself having people-pleasing tendencies.. and not speaking out on unfairness. Now in my 30s, I’m ready to break free of my parent’s expectations and social standards and just live a little. I am thankful for the challenges I had to face because it did give me life skills to raise my own family and to teach my own children the importance of life. They are allowed to speak on how they feel and we are breaking out of the gender roles. I am also teaching them to be accepting of others regardless of how they look, what they wear, the language they speak, and cultural beliefs. The one thing that my parents taught me that I will carry on is our family values; Respect your elders, support one another and, don’t be afraid to work hard.

Finding my social identity being a first-generation Vietnamese American woman was not an easy journey, I am still paving the path today for generations after me. Having mixed-raced children, I am sure my children will one day find themselves at a crossroad of wondering who they are really are and how they fit in society. I hope they embrace their uniqueness and learn that they don’t have accept being marginalized. In today’s society, I believe public schools are doing a pretty good job at being inclusive and teaching our children about different cultures, races, and gender-diversity. The more we are exposed and open to learning about different people the more “normal” it will become. I believe it is so important to teach our children equality, what we teach them will carry on for life times ahead from generation to generation. In hopes that will happen, maybe one day inequity will diminish.

References

Mann, M. A. (2006). The formation and development of individual and ethnic identity: Insights from psychiatry and psychoanalytic theory. American Journal of Psychoanalysis, 66(3), 211-24. doi:https://doi.org/10.1007/s11231-006-9018-2

Tatum, B. D. (1997). Why are all the black kids sitting together in the cafeteria? Revised edition. Basic Books. https://sbctc-lwtech.primo.exlibrisgroup.com/permalink/01STATEWA_LWTC/117qsle/cdi_proquest_ebookcentralchapters_5368838_10_96