I Flew Out to Find Myself a Minority

Have you ever heard of ant chalk? Picture this: you take a piece of chalk, trace a line around an ant, and suddenly, that tiny insect is confined within the boundary you’ve drawn. There’s no wall—just a simple line. As humans, we also have our own line of ant chalk to prevent us from doing something or fulfilling our dreams. Human society seems alike but more complicated than an ant kingdom. Ants have a hierarchy; humans have social status. Ants are categorized into species; we often segregate ourselves based on race. Other than laws, humans have plenty of social issues to be aware of. Focusing on identity, we are each unique in terms of gender, skin color, nationality, education, or even economic class. Five months ago, I embarked on a journey to the United States. I am here to learn, make friends, see what I haven’t seen, and know what I haven’t known. It’s true that no matter where you are, you are still the same person, but different places have different cultures, and different people will treat you differently depending on your identity.

I grew up feeling that I sacrificed some parts of my childhood. I was born in Bangkok, Thailand, then moved to the suburb city called Nonthaburi. My family consists of four members, including my younger sister. We are hugely different, so do our parents. We all change over time but as I remember when we were together, my mother was serious, ambitious, and diligent, while my father was kind, easygoing, and caring. “The infantile and adolescent phases play a crucial role in the formation and consolidation of identity” (Mann, 2016, p. 212). I would say that the early years of my life have affected me the most. I got straight A’s, and always scored the highest during my elementary school years. I was the representative of my school and even once got a full score on a national test. However, the more I can do, the more pressure I received. Somehow, in a middle-class Asian family, a child would be sent to at least one extracurricular activity. My mother gave me a choice between dancing or swimming, and I chose the latter. I joined the school team in grade one, stayed for only a year, then moved to a well-known team. At that time, my life was a loop between the school and the swimming pool, which was a forty-minute drive. I ate, slept, and changed clothes in the car. I didn’t have time to play with my friends after school. My parents even did homework for me if they believed that I would benefit more from swimming practice. By the time I was around thirteen, I felt like I was almost torn to pieces by tiredness and family issues. I realized I wasn’t fast enough to be in the national swimming team. I asked to quit, I couldn’t handle staying in a gifted program and being a top-ranked athlete at the same time. I think I am just an ordinary high school student. I usually question whether I am good enough. Even though I thought that I hadn’t reached the highest peak, I knew I did my best. I am thankful to my younger self whenever I look back. I have grown to be hard-working and responsible. All those training sessions instilled discipline and patience in me. Two years after graduation, I decided to fly to the United States, ready to begin my new chapter. This time, I know it’s great to be special but it’s also okay just to be an ordinary human.

After being here for a while, I learned that I am not that Asian. At first, I assumed that if I was born in Asia, I would be classified as yellow. However, the term ‘yellow’ is mostly referring to East Asians. Thus, I’m not white, but also not really included as yellow. Instead, Southeast Asians are unofficially referred to as ‘Brown Asian’. Isn’t it ironic that we have categories like black and white, but also ‘yellow Asian’ and ‘brown Asian’? Isn’t it distressing that darker skin tones seem to be the ones in the lower tier? “How one’s racial identity is experienced will be mediated by other dimensions of oneself: male or female; young or old; wealthy, middle-class, or poor; gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or heterosexual; able-bodied or with disabilities; Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist, Hindu, or atheist” (Tatum, 1997, p. 33). By the way, did I mention that I am a lesbian? In Thailand, it is quite common to define ourselves as a LGBTQ+. Therefore, when I went out of my home country, I was not only afraid of encountering racism but also homophobia. I once experienced a disturbing incident on a bus. A man sitting in front of me kept looking back, changed his seat to be further from me, and asked if I had COVID. I tried to be optimistic and thought that perhaps he was prioritizing safety. But how can someone that was so concerned about getting sick was not wearing a face mask and was fine sitting closer to the other passengers? He’s white, I’m not. He’s a man, I’m not even straight. Would the situation turn out differently if I were a white teenage boy? My answer is probably, yes.  It is true that this thing happened in the US, but it didn’t give me a hard time even though I am aware that my social identity might be in a lower position here. American Society is so rich in culture and experienced from people around the world. Every place has good and bad individuals. I found lots of nice friends and strangers who treated me well. I believe education is not only about academics but also about attitude. No matter what my social identity is, I respect myself and I think this is how it works. Ourselves should be the first ones we respect, and when we respect others, they are more likely to respect us in return.

Respect is not just a virtue; it’s a transformative force that begins with honoring our own worth and extends to embracing the dignity of others. Moreover, our identities influence how we are perceived and treated by others. In Buddhism, there is a teaching of Anicca: all things, including the self, are impermanent and constantly changing. We are who we are. However, when we grow up, the experience, whether joyful or challenging, will mold us to be better individuals. We learn more things, we know how to handle different situations, and we have a wider perspective to understand others and ourselves. Every day we spend time living, we learn something. Today we are better than we were yesterday. We are more reasonable to react, and we know when to let it go and just live life. When time passes by, we will meet more people. Some will be strangers to teach us something. Some will be friends to add vibrancy and color to our lives. Some will stay in our lives for a minute, some will stay for years. In the end, the one constant companion we have is ourselves. So, whoever or wherever you are, respect yourself. You are the one who knows you the best.

References

Mann, M. A. (2006). The formation and development of individual and ethnic identity: Insights from psychiatry and psychoanalytic theory. American Journal of Psychoanalysis, 66(3), 211-24. doi:https://doi.org/10.1007/s11231-006-9018-2

Tatum, B. D. (1997). Why are all the black kids sitting together in the cafeteria? Revised edition. Basic Books. https://sbctc-lwtech.primo.exlibrisgroup.com/permalink/01STATEWA_LWTC/117qsle/cdi_proquest_ebookcentralchapters_5368838_10_96