54 The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Complete Works of William Shakespeare, by William Shakespeare

ACT V

SCENE I. A room in the Garter Inn

Enter Falstaff and
Mistress Quickly.

FALSTAFF.
Prithee, no more prattling. Go. I’ll hold. This is the third time; I hope good
luck lies in odd numbers. Away, go! They say there is divinity in odd numbers,
either in nativity, chance, or death. Away!

MISTRESS QUICKLY.
I’ll provide you a chain, and I’ll do what I can to get you a pair of horns.

FALSTAFF.
Away, I say; time wears. Hold up your head, and mince.

[Exit Mistress Quickly.]

Enter Ford.

How now, Master Brook! Master Brook, the matter will be known tonight or
never. Be you in the park about midnight, at Herne’s oak, and you shall see
wonders.

FORD.
Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you told me you had appointed?

FALSTAFF.
I went to her, Master Brook, as you see, like a poor old man, but I came from
her, Master Brook, like a poor old woman. That same knave Ford, her husband,
hath the finest mad devil of jealousy in him, Master Brook, that ever governed
frenzy. I will tell you he beat me grievously, in the shape of a woman; for in
the shape of man, Master Brook, I fear not Goliath with a weaver’s beam,
because I know also life is a shuttle. I am in haste. Go along with me; I’ll
tell you all, Master Brook. Since I plucked geese, played truant, and whipped
top, I knew not what ’twas to be beaten till lately. Follow me, I’ll tell you
strange things of this knave Ford, on whom tonight I will be revenged, and I
will deliver his wife into your hand. Follow. Strange things in hand, Master
Brook! Follow.

[Exeunt.]

SCENE II. Windsor Park

Enter Page, Shallow and
Slender.

PAGE.
Come, come. We’ll couch i’ the castle ditch till we see the light of our
fairies. Remember, son Slender, my daughter—

SLENDER.
Ay, forsooth. I have spoke with her, and we have a nay-word how to know one
another. I come to her in white and cry “mum”; she cries “budget”; and by that
we know one another.

SHALLOW.
That’s good too. But what needs either your “mum” or her “budget”? The white
will decipher her well enough. It hath struck ten o’clock.

PAGE.
The night is dark. Light and spirits will become it well. Heaven prosper our
sport! No man means evil but the devil, and we shall know him by his horns.
Let’s away; follow me.

[Exeunt.]

SCENE III. The street in Windsor

Enter Mistress Page, Mistress Ford and
Doctor Caius.

MISTRESS PAGE.
Master Doctor, my daughter is in green. When you see your time, take her by the
hand, away with her to the deanery, and dispatch it quickly. Go before into the
park. We two must go together.

CAIUS.
I know vat I have to do. Adieu.

MISTRESS PAGE.
Fare you well, sir.

[Exit Caius.]

My husband will not rejoice so much at the abuse of Falstaff as he will chafe
at the doctor’s marrying my daughter. But ’tis no matter. Better a little
chiding than a great deal of heartbreak.

MISTRESS FORD.
Where is Nan now, and her troop of fairies, and the Welsh devil Hugh?

MISTRESS PAGE.
They are all couched in a pit hard by Herne’s oak, with obscured lights, which,
at the very instant of Falstaff’s and our meeting, they will at once display to
the night.

MISTRESS FORD.
That cannot choose but amaze him.

MISTRESS PAGE.
If he be not amazed, he will be mocked; if he be amazed, he will every way be
mocked.

MISTRESS FORD.
We’ll betray him finely.

MISTRESS PAGE.
Against such lewdsters and their lechery,
Those that betray them do no treachery.

MISTRESS FORD.
The hour draws on. To the oak, to the oak!

[Exeunt.]

SCENE IV. Windsor Park

Enter Sir Hugh Evans disguised, and children as Fairies.

EVANS.
Trib, trib, fairies. Come, and remember your parts. Be pold, I pray you, follow
me into the pit, and when I give the watch-’ords, do as I pid you. Come, come;
trib, trib.

[Exeunt.]

SCENE V. Another part of the Park

Enter Falstaff wearing a buck’s head.

FALSTAFF.
The Windsor bell hath struck twelve, the minute draws on. Now the hot-blooded
gods assist me! Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy Europa; love set on
thy horns. O powerful love, that in some respects, makes a beast a man, in some
other a man a beast! You were also, Jupiter, a swan for the love of Leda. O
omnipotent love, how near the god drew to the complexion of a goose! A fault
done first in the form of a beast; O Jove, a beastly fault! And then another
fault in the semblance of a fowl; think on’t, Jove, a foul fault! When gods
have hot backs, what shall poor men do? For me, I am here a Windsor stag, and
the fattest, I think, i’ the forest. Send me a cool rut-time, Jove, or who can
blame me to piss my tallow? Who comes here? My doe?

Enter Mistress Ford and
Mistress Page.

MISTRESS FORD.
Sir John? Art thou there, my deer, my male deer?

FALSTAFF.
My doe with the black scut! Let the sky rain potatoes, let it thunder to the
tune of “Greensleeves”, hail kissing-comfits and snow eringoes; let there come
a tempest of provocation, I will shelter me here.

[He embraces her.]

MISTRESS FORD.
Mistress Page is come with me, sweetheart.

FALSTAFF.
Divide me like a bribed buck, each a haunch. I will keep my sides to myself, my
shoulders for the fellow of this walk, and my horns I bequeath your husbands.
Am I a woodman, ha? Speak I like Herne the hunter? Why, now is Cupid a child of
conscience; he makes restitution. As I am a true spirit, welcome!

[A noise of horns within.]

MISTRESS PAGE.
Alas, what noise?

MISTRESS FORD.
Heaven forgive our sins!

FALSTAFF.
What should this be?

MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE.
Away, away!

[They run off.]

FALSTAFF.
I think the devil will not have me damned, lest the oil that’s in me should set
hell on fire; he would never else cross me thus.

Enter Mistress Quickly as the Queen of Fairies,
Sir Hugh Evans as a Satyr, Pistol as Hobgoblin, Anne
Page and children as Fairies, carrying tapers.

MISTRESS QUICKLY.
Fairies, black, grey, green, and white,
You moonshine revellers and shades of night,
You orphan heirs of fixed destiny,
Attend your office and your quality.
Crier Hobgoblin, make the fairy oyes.

PISTOL.
Elves, list your names; silence, you airy toys!
Cricket, to Windsor chimneys shalt thou leap,
Where fires thou find’st unraked and hearths unswept,
There pinch the maids as blue as bilberry.
Our radiant queen hates sluts and sluttery.

FALSTAFF.
They are fairies, he that speaks to them shall die.
I’ll wink and couch. No man their works must eye.

[Lies down upon his face.]

EVANS
Where’s Bead? Go you, and where you find a maid
That ere she sleep has thrice her prayers said,
Rein up the organs of her fantasy;
Sleep she as sound as careless infancy.
But those as sleep and think not on their sins,
Pinch them, arms, legs, backs, shoulders, sides, and shins.

MISTRESS QUICKLY.
About, about!
Search Windsor castle, elves, within and out.
Strew good luck, oafs, on every sacred room,
That it may stand till the perpetual doom
In state as wholesome as in state ’tis fit,
Worthy the owner and the owner it.
The several chairs of order look you scour
With juice of balm and every precious flower.
Each fair instalment, coat, and several crest,
With loyal blazon, evermore be blest!
And nightly, meadow-fairies, look you sing,
Like to the Garter’s compass, in a ring.
Th’ expressure that it bears, green let it be,
More fertile-fresh than all the field to see;
And Honi soit qui mal y pense write
In em’rald tufts, flowers purple, blue and white,
Like sapphire, pearl, and rich embroidery,
Buckled below fair knighthood’s bending knee.
Fairies use flowers for their charactery.
Away, disperse! But till ’tis one o’clock,
Our dance of custom round about the oak
Of Herne the hunter let us not forget.

EVANS.
Pray you, lock hand in hand, yourselves in order set;
And twenty glow-worms shall our lanterns be,
To guide our measure round about the tree.
But stay, I smell a man of middle earth.

FALSTAFF.
Heavens defend me from that Welsh fairy, lest he transform me to a piece of
cheese!

PISTOL.
Vile worm, thou wast o’erlooked even in thy birth.

MISTRESS QUICKLY.
With trial-fire touch me his finger-end.
If he be chaste, the flame will back descend
And turn him to no pain; but if he start,
It is the flesh of a corrupted heart.

PISTOL.
A trial, come.

EVANS.
Come, will this wood take fire?

[They put the tapers to his fingers, and he starts.]

FALSTAFF.
O, o, o!

MISTRESS QUICKLY.
Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire!
About him, fairies, sing a scornful rhyme,
And, as you trip, still pinch him to your time.

SONG.
Fie on sinful fantasy!
Fie on lust and luxury!
Lust is but a bloody fire,
Kindled with unchaste desire,
Fed in heart, whose flames aspire,
As thoughts do blow them, higher and higher.
Pinch him, fairies, mutually;
Pinch him for his villainy.
Pinch him and burn him and turn him about,
Till candles and starlight and moonshine be out.

[During the song they pinch him, and Doctor
Caius comes one way and steals away a boy in green; and Slender another way takes a boy in white; Fenton comes in and steals away Anne Page. A noise of hunting is heard within and all
the fairies run away. Falstaff pulls off his
buck’s head, and rises up.]

Enter Page, Ford, Mistress Page and
Mistress Ford.

PAGE.
Nay, do not fly. I think we have watched you now.
Will none but Herne the hunter serve your turn?

MISTRESS PAGE.
I pray you, come, hold up the jest no higher.—
Now, good Sir John, how like you Windsor wives?
See you these, husband?

[She points to the horns.]

Do not these fair yokes
Become the forest better than the town?

FORD.
Now, sir, who’s a cuckold now? Master Brook, Falstaff’s a knave, a cuckoldly
knave. Here are his horns, Master Brook. And, Master Brook, he hath enjoyed
nothing of Ford’s but his buck-basket, his cudgel, and twenty pounds of money,
which must be paid to Master Brook. His horses are arrested for it, Master
Brook.

MISTRESS FORD.
Sir John, we have had ill luck, we could never meet. I will never take you for
my love again, but I will always count you my deer.

FALSTAFF.
I do begin to perceive that I am made an ass.

FORD.
Ay, and an ox too. Both the proofs are extant.

FALSTAFF.
And these are not fairies? I was three or four times in the thought they were
not fairies; and yet the guiltiness of my mind, the sudden surprise of my
powers, drove the grossness of the foppery into a received belief, in despite
of the teeth of all rhyme and reason, that they were fairies. See now how wit
may be made a Jack-a-Lent when ’tis upon ill employment!

EVANS.
Sir John Falstaff, serve Got, and leave your desires, and fairies will not
pinse you.

FORD.
Well said, fairy Hugh.

EVANS.
And leave you your jealousies too, I pray you.

FORD.
I will never mistrust my wife again, till thou art able to woo her in good
English.

FALSTAFF.
Have I laid my brain in the sun, and dried it, that it wants matter to prevent
so gross o’erreaching as this? Am I ridden with a Welsh goat too? Shall I have
a cox-comb of frieze? ’Tis time I were choked with a piece of toasted cheese.

EVANS.
Seese is not good to give putter. Your belly is all putter.

FALSTAFF.
“Seese” and “putter”? Have I lived to stand at the taunt of one that makes
fritters of English? This is enough to be the decay of lust and late-walking
through the realm.

MISTRESS PAGE.
Why, Sir John, do you think, though we would have thrust virtue out of our
hearts by the head and shoulders, and have given ourselves without scruple to
hell, that ever the devil could have made you our delight?

FORD.
What, a hodge-pudding? A bag of flax?

MISTRESS PAGE.
A puffed man?

PAGE.
Old, cold, withered, and of intolerable entrails?

FORD.
And one that is as slanderous as Satan?

PAGE.
And as poor as Job?

FORD.
And as wicked as his wife?

EVANS.
And given to fornications, and to taverns, and sack, and wine, and metheglins,
and to drinkings and swearings and starings, pribbles and prabbles?

FALSTAFF.
Well, I am your theme. You have the start of me. I am dejected, I am not able
to answer the Welsh flannel. Ignorance itself is a plummet o’er me. Use me as
you will.

FORD.
Marry, sir, we’ll bring you to Windsor to one Master Brook, that you have
cozened of money, to whom you should have been a pander. Over and above that
you have suffered, I think to repay that money will be a biting affliction.

PAGE.
Yet be cheerful, knight. Thou shalt eat a posset tonight at my house, where I
will desire thee to laugh at my wife, that now laughs at thee. Tell her Master
Slender hath married her daughter.

MISTRESS PAGE.
[Aside.] Doctors doubt that. If Anne Page be my daughter, she is, by
this, Doctor Caius’ wife.

Enter Slender.

SLENDER
Whoa, ho, ho, father Page!

PAGE.
Son, how now! How now, son, have you dispatched?

SLENDER.
Dispatched? I’ll make the best in Gloucestershire know on’t. Would I were
hanged, la, else!

PAGE.
Of what, son?

SLENDER.
I came yonder at Eton to marry Mistress Anne Page, and she’s a great lubberly
boy. If it had not been i’ the church, I would have swinged him, or he should
have swinged me. If I did not think it had been Anne Page, would I might never
stir! And ’tis a postmaster’s boy.

PAGE.
Upon my life, then, you took the wrong.

SLENDER.
What need you tell me that? I think so, when I took a boy for a girl. If I had
been married to him, for all he was in woman’s apparel, I would not have had
him.

PAGE.
Why, this is your own folly. Did not I tell you how you should know my daughter
by her garments?

SLENDER.
I went to her in white and cried “mum”, and she cried “budget”, as Anne and I
had appointed, and yet it was not Anne, but a postmaster’s boy.

MISTRESS PAGE.
Good George, be not angry. I knew of your purpose, turned my daughter into
green, and indeed she is now with the doctor at the deanery, and there
married.

Enter Doctor Caius.

CAIUS
Vere is Mistress Page? By gar, I am cozened, I ha’ married un garçon, a
boy; un paysan, by gar, a boy. It is not Anne Page. By gar, I am
cozened.

MISTRESS PAGE.
Why, did you take her in green?

CAIUS.
Ay, by gar, and ’tis a boy. By gar, I’ll raise all Windsor.

FORD
This is strange. Who hath got the right Anne?

Enter Fenton and
Anne Page.

PAGE.
My heart misgives me. Here comes Master Fenton.—How now, Master Fenton!

ANNE.
Pardon, good father. Good my mother, pardon.

PAGE.
Now, mistress, how chance you went not with Master Slender?

MISTRESS PAGE.
Why went you not with Master Doctor, maid?

FENTON.
You do amaze her. Hear the truth of it.
You would have married her most shamefully,
Where there was no proportion held in love.
The truth is, she and I, long since contracted,
Are now so sure that nothing can dissolve us.
Th’ offence is holy that she hath committed,
And this deceit loses the name of craft,
Of disobedience, or unduteous title,
Since therein she doth evitate and shun
A thousand irreligious cursed hours,
Which forced marriage would have brought upon her.

FORD.
Stand not amazed, here is no remedy.
In love, the heavens themselves do guide the state.
Money buys lands, and wives are sold by fate.

FALSTAFF.
I am glad, though you have ta’en a special stand to strike at me, that your
arrow hath glanced.

PAGE.
Well, what remedy? Fenton, heaven give thee joy!
What cannot be eschewed must be embraced.

FALSTAFF.
When night-dogs run, all sorts of deer are chased.

MISTRESS PAGE.
Well, I will muse no further.—Master Fenton,
Heaven give you many, many merry days!
Good husband, let us every one go home,
And laugh this sport o’er by a country fire,
Sir John and all.

FORD.
Let it be so, Sir John,
To Master Brook you yet shall hold your word,
For he tonight shall lie with Mistress Ford.

[Exeunt.]