At this point in the chapter, we have built a shared definition of behavior, taken a deeper look at behavior and motivation, and established an understanding that all behavior is a form of communication. We have also reviewed how relationships (especially positive relationships) relate to behavior and are needed to support positively guiding the behavior of children. This foundation was built to support a mutual understanding of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) and trauma (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2021). This critical piece of information is necessary to understand the whole child and not simply react to the behavior(s) that are seen. We are closing Chapter 10 with information about how to have conversations with families about behaviors (challenging and/or unwanted). This communication requires an ability for you to be objective, positive, and culturally aware in the information you share and the method by which you communicate.

Successful work in the field of Early Learning depends on your ability to build positive, trusting, and respectful relationships with families. No child comes to us alone or isolated, they come to us within the context of a family. When we build and maintain trusting relationships with those families, we will be able to engage in more opportunities for open communication and dialogue about children.

We know from experience that having a conversation about a child’s challenging behavior can be stressful for them and for ourselves. Did you know that you can reduce your stress and gain more positive results when you “invest” in relationships with families? You will need to be objective and stick to facts, while at the same time maintain a focus on solutions. It is important that we understand that in child development, there are cultural differences relating to beliefs about developmental milestones (Maryville University, 2021). When communicating with families it is important to be conscious of your own beliefs related to culture and your personal biases as you make choices about what and how to communicate with families.

You might even feel intimidated in having conversations with families about a child’s behavior (Griffin, n.d.). A key strategy in having difficult conversations is to begin with the positive. We start with strengths, including describing what the child can do, and what he/she does well. Include positives about behavior and times when you have noticed positive behaviors or interactions. We must always avoid the impulse to blame the family for the child’s challenging behavior. This is an important interaction to have with the family and cannot be avoided out of our fear of potential (real or imagined) conflict. When we look at these extremes of blame and avoidance, we should realize that neither approach is helpful for the child, and both only add to your own stress. This added stress could even possibly increase the intensity of the behavioral situation of concern.

Did you know that our biases can significantly impact how we respond to children’s behavior in the classroom (Derman-Sparks & Edwards, 2019)? It’s crucial to understand that what we expect from children’s behavior in their early education may differ from what they learn at home. However, how we react to their behavior is what counts. To eliminate these biases and guide children’s behavior effectively, we must communicate our expectations clearly and consistently within the classroom. It is essential to make a conscious effort to recognize and overcome our biases to create a positive and nurturing learning environment for all children.

When the time comes to talk with a child’s family about challenging behavior, Webster-Stratton (2012) shares some strategies to help create a productive interaction. Remember above where “invest” in relationships was mentioned? Webster-Stratton talks about this process of relationship building as a metaphor for a “piggy bank.” Webster-Stratton believes that we need to make deposits regularly to this piggy bank, to have the ability to make withdrawals that support our difficult conversations.

Try these three things in your relationship work with families:

1. Make sure you have plenty of investments in the “relationship bank” with the family,
2. Stick to data from your observations
3. Offer possible solutions and support.

Stratton (2012) also discusses how to fill your relationship bank. Each of us (both children and adults) has an emotional “piggy bank.” It is built with positive relationships. Just like your real-life piggy bank, you must have money in the bank to successfully make withdrawals without a negative outcome. Also take a moment to go back and review the other suggestions for positive reinforcement offered in this chapter.

We know from research (Webster-Stratton, 2012) that children need 5 positives such as:

• Great walking feet!
• High-5!
• You are working SO hard!
• You did it!
• I see that you know how to put that puzzle together!

Those 5 positives are needed for “balance” and to move forward in your positive relationship, for every negative such as:

• No!
• Stop!
• Please do not do that!
• Add your own to this list

Let’s do some math! Think about that child whose name you say 350 times a day (Danny, stop! Danny, don’t do that! Danny, keep your hands to yourself! Danny, Mae is using that now. Danny! Quiet, Danny! Time to wash, Danny. Clean up, Danny…) Imagine that child’s name and multiply that 350 x 5. Did you calculate that answer to be 1750 positives? The child will need over 1700 positive comments just to break even emotionally! This deposit strategy is not only for the child, but also the same for families. That very first time you approach a family to discuss a child’s challenging or “unwanted” behavior you are withdrawing a significant amount from the emotional piggy bank. Do you have “enough” positive interactions and a strong relationship already in place to avoid a negative balance? With sufficient balance in the piggy bank, you are ready to have challenging conversations and, as Webster-Stratton (2012) found, families will still have emotional “money-in-the-bank” to work with you on developing possible solutions.

The next point bulleted above was to stick to the facts. This is called being objective. We need to put aside the emotional aspect of challenging behavior when you are communicating with the family. Taking this emotion-free, positive approach you could share with a family, “Today Michael had a very difficult time with sharing.” This is a much more useful statement that opens the possibility for a conversation about problem-solving. The opposite can be said for using statements such as “Michael was hitting ALL day.” This statement is not helpful and is definitely not helpful (it is also most likely not accurate). The positive approach will lead to the strategy to support Brandon learning a new skill, which he is. This also provides scaffolding to ask about behavior in the home, “Tell me about how Michael shares at home with his siblings. What methods have you tried that I might try here at school?” Remember that emotional piggy bank that was shared earlier? Our goal here is to build a positive relationship and partnership with the family. We want to work together to make positive connections between home-school. When we approach challenging behavior in a fact-based manner, it will help to remove emotion and blame from the conversation and will be much more likely to help open doors rather than create walls (Webster-Stratton, 2012).

The last bullet shared by Webster-Stratton (2012) is about problem solving. For every conversation, we as the ECE professionals need to be ready to share some solutions. At the same time, it is of benefit to the partnership to engage in give and take by asking for and offering ongoing partnership with the family. Always get ideas and input from the family. You will have an opportunity to share other strategies with the family after they communicate what they are currently doing at home to support their child. This partner-based communication will work to build a bridge between home and school that will support the child’s learning. You will also need to talk about going forward, and how you will continue to communicate about the child’s skill building. This should include any information you will be collecting from your ongoing classroom observations. Remember the importance of sharing successes in all written and verbal conversations with the family to keep adding to the family’s and child’s emotional piggy bank.

Here are some guiding thoughts for your conversation with the family:

1. Begin with strengths: “let’s talk about what Sarah is doing really well!” This will begin your conversation with the positive and will focus on what the child can do so that you can build (scaffold) from there.
2. Share your concern using facts: “I am concerned about Sarah and how she’s doing with her frustration. Are you seeing similar challenges at home?” Remember that you are working to build that positive relationship with the family, and you should always bring up concerns with collaboration in your mind.
3. Together, define a clear and measurable goal. “I really want to work with you to help Sarah develop her social skills to support positive behavior.”
4. Create a plan together. “What do you think we should include in the plan for Sarah, so that each of us has strategies to follow that develop new skills for success.” Always focus on skill development, not on behavior.
5. Finally, discuss next steps for moving forward. “The more we all work together, the more successful Sarah will be.” Remember that consistency between home and school will support the child to be more successful, and faster.

Attributions

1. Figure 10.10: image released under the Pexels License
2. Figure 10.11: Money Box by 401(K) 2012 is released under CC BY-SA 2.0
3. Figure 10.12: Author-created Image of the 5 Steps to Creating a Cooperative Plan by Ardene Niemer, for WA Open ProfTech, © SBCTC, CC BY 4.0
4. Figure 10.13: image released under the Unsplash License