Priorities

You can’t avoid it. It is up in your face, even if you are not aware of it. Someone will point it out to you. It is your identity. Your identity might influence your opportunities, and efforts.  Identity is how you see yourself, and how others perceive you. You need to know where you stand. Your internal identity is based on your life experiences, self-confidence, family, friends, achievements, and interests.

My identity started decades ago in Minneapolis, MN. My Midwest family lived in a single-family house in a mid-income working-class family neighborhood on the NE side of Minneapolis. My family consisted of my mother, father, and older sister. My mother and father both worked outside of the residence. My mother worked as a manager of a typesetting department for a cereal manufacturer. My father’s position changed over the years from a mechanic to a photographer to an Assistant in an IT dept.

Currently, I live by myself deep in the foothills of the Cascades.  I live off-grid outside the 4th smallest town in WA, Index. It is way different than how I grew up.  There are no utilities in the area, and wildlife is everywhere. The few people around me tend to know my business and I am barely connected to the outside world when at my residence, and everything is miles away by car.

I started college early as a high school senior at the University of Minnesota. Initially, I had hoped to go into buying at Target, so I started studying Business with an emphasis on Retailing and Marketing. I graduated from the University of MN and went on to work in retail for a while.  I changed to various fields over the years, that related to my degree.

My last position was as a 911 dispatcher for the last 22 years until I was laid off in October. It can be a thankless job.  You are working with the public at possibly the worst time in their life. I worked many hours, holidays, weekends, and various shifts.  I would sit at the desk anywhere from 8 to 14 hours a day, without a break. You eat between radio traffic and phone calls. The job takes its toll on your attitude, personal time, family, friends, and especially your weight.

I have struggled with my weight all my life. I see being thin as very desirable. It comes with many benefits, advantages, and attention. Beauty in the U.S. is as being young, and thin. I am not either of those things. I have tried continuously over the decades with very little success. I can lose weight if I shift my attention and focus to my diet and exercise. I have done it many times, but not easily. I have weighed anywhere from 269 lbs. to 130 lbs. over the years.  In the end, the weight piles back on, as my responsibilities take over.

After the last time I lost weight, over 100 pounds, a year later I  was diagnosed with a rare sarcoma.  When I was going through chemotherapy, I managed to gain 15 pounds. I brought it up to my oncologist in an appointment, which shouldn’t have been my main concern at that time. My oncologist was glad I had not lost any weight and was eating well. My oncologist didn’t realize eating well is one of my superpowers.  The oncologist said I could get a gym membership after chemo; too bad he didn’t know I already had one. I just couldn’t use it because I was so fatigued from the treatment. I fell asleep on the couch just trying to put on my shoes for the gym. I barely had two sprigs of hair. I had skin reactions to the bandages, swollen legs, and my chest itched from the port that was implanted for chemotherapy. With all that was going on, I was worried most about my weight. It was so ingrained in me to be thin. I didn’t want to look like an old lazy bitch, even when fighting for my life.

Weight is not the most important thing in my identity.  My experiences with sarcoma twice have helped put things in perspective. I try to focus on what is most important to me, but I know I will still fall back to focusing on my weight. I could say it is for my health, but partially still for my vanity. I know identity is made up of many visible and non-visible things. Hopefully, I will find the balance moving forward.